Infected
No, no, no, not with COVID. I haven’t left my house since March — and why would I, anyway? I have everything I’d ever need, and I still have 14 more bottles of artisanal flavored vinegar to get through. I stocked up at the beginning of this thing, thinking that the one thing I had been missing in my life was small-batch fruit and vegetable vinegars, and it turns out that I just don’t have that much of a use for mushroom vinegar, even if I’m home for more than half a year. Melon vinegar, asparagus vinegar, papaya vinegar, these all sounded really interesting until they arrived. But this is what you do when those partner checks keep coming and you can’t go on vacation. My home in St. Simblum might be under water by now, I have no idea You never heard of St. Simblum? That’s the point! It’s not even on the map! You know you’ve made it when you can buy a house on an island that isn’t even on the map!
But that’s not my point today. My point is the President and, gosh, where do I begin? First of all, that doctor! Is he taking on new patients? Because I have spent my adult life looking for doctors to tell me what I want to hear instead of the truth, and this guy seems amazing at that. I don’t want to know my cholesterol — I want to know that no one’s cholesterol has ever been better, and those pills I’m taking are neither necessary nor important, but that taking them is giving me superpowers, and I’m going to live forever. Can he tell me that? Good, he’s hired.
Next — superspreader events. Should I be insulted that in all of these months, I have been invited to NONE of these? No indoor pool parties, no mosh pits, no receptions for illegitimate justices. I would have said no — but sometimes it’s nice to feel included. If you’re planning a superspreader, keep me in mind. Don’t let me feel irrelevant and old. I’m still popular, even stuck in my house, even left to issue dictates to associates by Zoom, Webex, and middle of the night text.
Finally — joyrides around the hospital. This guy is just trying to live out everyone’s fantasy, isn’t he? Who hasn’t dreamed of running away from necessary medical care and trapping others in a car with you while you wave at insane strangers? Isn’t that the dream we all share? I have instructions filed that if I die of something infectious (and I won’t, because I’m better than that), I want to be taken from the morgue and paraded around the firm so everyone else can bow down and also catch my plague. If I’m going to go down, everyone else is going down with me!
I fully expect we will end up finding out Trump never had COVID at all, because that would make as much sense as when I pretended to have tetanus after I cut my foot stepping on an associate, just to make the point that no one should be wearing sharp jewelry to work. I can’t remember what my thought process was, maybe I just wanted sympathy, but I’m sure I made just as much sense as whatever the President’s story is going to end up being.
I have to say, as someone who is largely insulated from whatever craziness happens in this world — complete chaos is SO MUCH FUN. Please let this news cycle spiral even further out of control. I need at least 51 senators dead by Tuesday.