People of the Firm and also Associates (and staff too but don’t get too cocky just because we included you in an email):
Effective inmediately, your pandemic vacation is over and working from home is no longer permitted.
That means now. Like, we know what time you open this email and how long your commute is, so you’re on the clock. Read the rest of this email from the office, no dilly-dallying.
Okay, you’re in the office now? Great. Throw out that food you left on your desk, please. Ugh.
As of right now, fully vaccinated partners will no longer be required to wear masks or socially distance, especially when we’re yelling in your face about missed deadlines or shoddy work product. We are on the honor system for this, so unvaccinated partners are also no longer required to wear masks, since we’re all liars anyway.
Fully vaccinated associates may show proof of vaccination in exchange for a special mask that will not protect you against viruses but will dehumanize you to the point that partners will feel less bad abusing you. Unvaccinated associates should go learn some science.
Staff is going to be wearing masks forever, sorry, we just like it better that way, and if this gives the rest of us an excuse to socially distance from you, we’ll call that a side benefit.
Firm-sponsored lunches will resume tomorrow. Associates and staff will be required to remain masked and watch partners eat.
We understand that there is a diversity of views and comfort levels on these issues. We are trying our best not to care. If you have a particular concern, there are lots of other jobs out there. If you would like to continue working from home on Fridays, remember that Friday is a workday, so, uh, no. Also Saturday and Sunday, so get in the office!
Oh, no more bathrooms. Sorry. Just for fun.