Losers and Suckers

Something I just wanted to get off my chest: associates who’ve died while working at the firm are losers and suckers. The real heroes get their work done and aren’t slowed by partners coming at them with scissors or the elevators we don’t bother to maintain because the important people have our own private ones.

You fell down an elevator shaft at 2AM after spending 18 hours stapling lease agreements? Well, you should have looked first! You got food poisoning from the poisoned food we served you for dinner while you were stuck here formatting citations in a memo no one’s going to read? Your weak stomach is to blame, not our norovirus. You got decapitated by the printer? Come on, everyone knows you don’t put your head in the printer, even if I threw a sign on there that said “Looking for your documents? Put your head in the big hole with the sharp parts sticking out!” You should have realized I was just sort of kidding.

Some people survive to become partner. That means the rest of you are inferior beings and deserve whatever fate befalls you. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: cemeteries are full of the people who couldn’t figure out a way to survive. There’s always a way. I say that when I guest-lecture in law schools: there’s always a way. And usually that way is getting associates to do the work for you.

I had a point, I’m sure, but even if I didn’t, remember: don’t put your head in the copy machine, and it’s always your fault if you die.