I thought I muted my video

Jeffrey Toobin, why in the world did you waste your law degree going into journalism? Aside from every other reason why being a law firm partner is far better than being a journalist, a law firm partner who exposed himself on a Zoom call not only would never get fired, but he wouldn’t even have to claim it was an accident. It’s almost an offense *not* to expose yourself on a Zoom call. After all, it is so much harder to do anything intimidating on video than in person.

I wanted to scare some associates last week, so I had my son build a papier mache dog — as realistic as he could manage — just so I could behead it on camera. You know, casually, while discussing some lackluster work on a lease agreement, I just turned and said, “Here, buddy,” lifted the paper dog onto my lap, and then grabbed the letter opener from my desk and sliced right through his neck. Threw the head on the ground, and went right on discussing the relevant clauses like nothing had happened You bet I had their attention after that.

I mean, is Toobin’s offense really so bad? Who among us hasn’t done a call while on the toilet and totally “forgot” to turn the camera off, because what better way to exert your power than make other people watch you go to the bathroom (see, e.g. Lyndon Johnson)? Who among us hasn’t paraded our half-naked trophy spouse through the middle of a call, just to show what partner money can buy you these days? Who among us hasn’t used his annual bonus on an organ-lengthening procedure designed to impress his colleagues in situations exactly like this one?

No, no, not me. I’m saying that other people have. Or so I’ve heard. Or at least those are the rumors. That I planted. About a number of my inferior colleagues.

So where does that leave Jeffrey Toobin after all of this? I think it’s pretty clear. Give it a week or two — and wait for the announcement. Jeffrey Toobin is about to get a new job as a law firm partner.

(Do not let him do Zoom interviews for the summer associates.)