Alien DNA
Look, I’m obviously not a medical expert, but I read about this Alien DNA thing, and how this insane quasi-doctor thinks it’s being used in medicines and vaccines, and I have to admit that my first thought was that it actually might explain something that’s been gnawing at me for a while. We had such trouble last fall when we asked our associates to get flu shots — I mean, we ask them every year, but last fall was the first year they weren’t covered under our new health plan, because we decided to cut costs and go with the “value plan” for support staff and associates and keep the “gold plan” just for partners.
But instead of making them go to their doctor and pay out of pocket, we found this service that comes to the office and does it — easy, we just called them up and they were there within an hour, just went down the hall and jabbed the needle in, one associate after another, they had this great system, one needle, just keep reloading it with vaccine, like an assembly line, one guy pokes it in, another puts a bandage on, then a third person follows and explains to each person what just happened and why they got shot with a needle without warning.
So we had a bunch of grumbles about that, but what really got me thinking is that three different associates went to HR afterwards complaining about the process. And they wouldn’t normally do that — everyone knows HR reports aren’t confidential at all, we’d immediately find out who the complainers were, and of course there would be consequences. So the fact that they reported this anyway made me wonder — what was in that vaccine to cloud their judgment and make them think so poorly?
And now, obviously, I have the answer. Alien DNA. It should have been obvious all along. Some of them even started to look a little green afterwards, and then we read something about how the company we used wasn’t really licensed, and they were also selling black market organs, so we’re going to try to negotiate a better rate next year, assuming we’re back in the office, but… I’m just relieved to know there’s a sensible explanation for all of it.
We just need to find a batch of aliens who are great at document review and get some of their DNA in there next time. Ugh, another item for the to-do list.