Abraham Lincoln
Let me just come out and say it. No one has ever done more for the associates at my law firm than me, except maybe Abraham Lincoln… or, wait, maybe it was Teddy Roosevelt. Remind me, which President signed a law saying we couldn’t hire 9-year-olds to work 18 hours a day chained to their desks and fed the leftovers partners bring back from overpriced sushi bars? Was it John Tyler? Millard Fillmore? Who said we couldn’t take 11-year-olds from their families, put them to work alphabetizing pointless documents, turn their fingernail clippings into paper fasteners, lock them in closets, and use them as organ farms to donate extra kidneys to partners who need new ones? Was it Rutherford Hayes? Chester Arthur? I’ve done more for our associates than anyone since King George III. More for our secretaries than anyone since John F. Kennedy. More for our recruiters than anyone since Gerald Ford. More for our paralegals than anyone since the last person who could stand to walk into a room with them without gagging. More for our clients than George Washington, who didn’t even do a thing for our clients, not even take them to dinner and bill the cost back to them. More for myself than anyone since anyone. That’s why I’m my best advocate, and that’s why I could beat Abraham Lincoln in just about any contest today, except maybe one about who’s been dead the longest, and even then, I could probably find some way to win. Because I’m just that good, and if my firm had been around during the Civil War, I guarantee that we wouldn’t have picked a side, and would have happily represented anyone who was willing to pay us.